I had originally started writing this at the beginning of October, so excuse the extremely delayed post:
Back at the end of September was the end of the yoga challenge. I only ended up completing 15/26 classes. Which was kinda sucky, but I'm trying not to kick myself about it. What with getting sick, and some crazy work drama that had been going on the last few weeks of the month, some commitments came up that I couldn't skip.
Since finishing though, I definitely felt different. As far as weight, after the initial weigh-in, I bobbed back up a few pounds, and then held steady at a loss of four pounds. It's changed my eating, and I find myself choosing better-for-me options, and eating a lot less.
My friend and co-worker Will, joined me for one class, and he said he really enjoyed it. He's excited to go again.
The challenge itself had kept me distracted from thinking too much about everything that happened with Ace. Who's real name is Carl. I don't really know why I'm trying to protect his identity, as he'd never see this anyway. And I'm sure whomever reads this doesn't even know him.
I threw myself into this yoga thing, and I haven't cried since the initial split, but perhaps that's just because I literally sweat the tears out of my body? Can that even happen? If so, every break up, I'm just going to do a week's worth of yoga so I wont cry...
But now that I've slowed down and thought about it: I'm still a little sad (months later, I know). I miss him. Being single is fine, and I'm definitely not a girl that needs a guy to be happy. But sometimes, I really miss being part of a duo. Surrounding yourself with your best friends is great, and I love mine to death, but of course it's not the same. There's nothing quite like sharing yourself with another they way you do with a partner, lover, boyfriend/girlfriend, what have you.
I had been thinking a lot about the concept of soul mates. To me, a soul mate is someone that just aligns perfectly with you. They balance you. They get you. And you know when you've found or had it.
I feel that way about Carl. Despite his seemingly brainwashed religious tendencies, he has always been someone I feel that could be my other half. The three months when I got to see him again, and when we were together the first time a few years ago, just felt...right. I've never felt the sort of feelings I had with Carl with other people. Maybe that was me really experiencing love. Of course I adored my other boyfriends (when things were actually good), but there was always something that didn't seem to completely click. I felt like I was always two steps ahead of Tobes (whom I'll probably talk about in another post) and when I finally felt like we were on the same page, he pulled away.
Carl had to deal with a lot when we were first together, especially family issues. But he has, and will probably always be one of the most caring men I've ever met. I'd never met someone that loved me, until him. Not to say that my previous boyfriends didn't care about me, but you know when someone loves you. Carl and I were always in sync about how we felt and where we stood with each other, even from very early on in our relationship. I knew how he felt about me before he even said it to me, and vice versa.
And now he's gone. It's been months, but I'm still not quite used to it. I keep thinking that when I hang out with my beer tour friends (technically, his co workers) that one day he'll show up and it'll be back to normal again, and we can stay friends. And other days I have to actively try and remind myself that he's never coming back. That makes me so angry. Especially since he told me to my face that he wouldn't just disappear again. Don't promises mean anything anymore?
I ended up sending him an email. I felt like if I didn't get some things off my chest that I'd regret it, whether or not he actually read it or not. Which I'm sure he has, but I'm not holding my breath waiting for a response. I don't even really care if he ever does. I just wanted to get my thoughts out of my own head.
But, I'm doing okay. I'm just staying focused on other things, and trying not to think too much when I drive by his office building every single morning. Knife in the chest...
